Before And After

I still enjoy...

Going on vacations.

Buying new shoes.

Spending time with my family and friends.

Swimming in the ocean.

Watching my favourite TV shows.
Getting lost in Saks.

Going for my weekly blow-dry.

Pedicures. Manicures. Massages.

Dinners out.
White wine.
Sitting in my favourite chair with a good book.

Going to the movies and eating popcorn.
A night out with my closest friends.

However... no matter what I'm doing, there is one thing that is always on my mind—my children. No matter what, I'm thinking about them, and hoping they're okay.

As soon as I became a mom, life shifted for me in a way I never expected.

There is only before and after.

Life before children was mostly worry-free, in the sense that I had no one to worry about 24 hours a day, for all of eternity, except myself. I could be irresponsible, if I wanted to. I could stay out as late as I wanted to. I could sleep in if I was tired.

Life after children is wonderful in an infinite number of ways, but the never-ending worry that comes with it was something no one prepared me for. No one can prepare you, really, no matter what you read or hear from your family and friends. The biggest change of your life happens once your baby is placed in your arms.

I was walking around in an unfamiliar state once I got home with my new baby. I never thought I'd sleep again, and I never though I'd leave the house again. I didn't want to see a single human outside of my family. I didn't want to hear from anyone. Of course, as the days and weeks went by, things got much easier, in many ways, but the shift never went back to what it was before. Of course, with baby number two, things were much more easy to handle, but still...

A friend of my mom's once said to her: "My daughter never had children. She'll never know the love of having a child of her own, but she'll also never know the worry that comes with it."

It's the times when your child is sick, when you're in the hospital too scared to even look at the doctor, the times when you can't even put a single piece of food in your mouth because you know you'll just throw it up from the worry you're feeling, that are the harderst parts of motherhood.

And here's something—it'll never, ever go away, that worry. And here's another thing—every age comes with its own set of challenges, fears, and worries. It's the hardest job in the whole world. It's a constant job. We are on 24 hours a day. 

Of course it's worth it.. I never imagined my adullt life without children, and I feel blessed, beyond measure.  But becoming a parent is such a life-changing experience you can't prepare for no matter how hard you try.

We are all in this together, I suppose—we're a special league of superheroes. I'm just trying to figure out what colour my cape is today.