The guilt

I suffer from an insane amount of mommy guilt.

I feel guilty when I am out on a nice day, and my children are not with me.
I feel guilty if I go grocery shopping with only one child.
I feel guilty if I only take one child to the park.
I feel guilty if I've managed to give only one child a bath at night.

I feel guilty when I eat my children's chocolate. (Actually, not really.)

I feel guilty when I'm at work and not with my children, even though I know they are in great hands with my parents, inlaws, and grandparents.

I feel guilty if I say no to my boys about anything at all. (So I rarely say no.) (And they are totally well behaved wonderful little members of society, thank you very much!)

I feel guilty after I raise my voice at my children. (But I still do it.)

I feel guilty when I'm at the movies without my children, eating popcorn, because I know they like popcorn, too.

I know, it's crazy, really.

I come from a very close-knit family; we do everything together. Being Greek, family is everything. We are always together - we even travel together. We get connecting rooms. We eat dinner together several times a week, we talk on the phone numerous times a day.

I have left my boys overnight twice - each time for a 24 hour period, and I was only 2 hours away, with a few of my closest girlfriends. It was fun to be away, but at the same time, I missed them. Even though it was only one day!

Well, after three years of blogging, I am attending this year's BlogHer. There are quite a few reasons I want to go: to meet (and see again!) many of the wonderful women I talk to on a daily basis, and have gotten to know both online and in person; because it's taking place in New York City, a city I love, and of course, to learn - to take part in some of the sessions, to network, to make connections and to have fun. Of course, being invited to some fun parties and events is just the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, and oh, did I mention the swag? (Oops, did I say that?)

I would not have gone to BlogHer if it was taking place somewhere I know my children would love, like, say, Florida, where we vacation as a family every year. If that were the case, due to my mommy guilt, I'd either bring the whole family with me, or not go. I can't imagine seeing children on a beach and not having my boys there with me! New York City, as much as I love it, is not somewhere I plan on taking my boys until they're older and until they can keep up with my pace of shopping!

I know my 5 year old (as of August 1st) will be okay without me for a few days, it's my little guy I worry about - he is attached to me, (and I love it) but I worry how he'll do at night, two nights in a row. Sigh. He'll be with his daddy and my parents. I know my boys will be in great hands - but still... I worry. And the guilt! Oh, the guilt!

On top of it all, although my husband supports me 100%, my parents aren't that excited for me to go. My mom didn't leave me and my sister to go on a trip without us until I was 18 years old. So there is that guilt, too.

Sigh.

It's stressful and I have contemplated not going to BlogHer this year, even though my hotel, airplane and conference tickets are booked and paid for. As the days go by, I get more nervous, yet, I'm determined to go. (Did I mention Saks is within walking distance of our hotel?)

I am really looking forward to BlogHer - but the thought of leaving my boys... is not something I'm crazy about.

Next BlogHer related post: The fear of flying without my children.

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