Wednesday, February 12, 2014

On Loathing Winter

I don't like to complain. Wait. I take that back. I do like to complain, but for very valid reasons.

I complain about the things that annoy me, and about things I have no control over.

Like the weather.

I complain about the weather all. the. time.

You know why?

Because I am freezing, you guys.

I have never been more cold in all my life, and I am cold all. the. time. 

I feel like every morning when I step outside, there is a good chance I'll never make it back inside. I fear you'll find my skeleton curled up in the fetal position two feet away from my car, once the snow has melted, because winter finally got me.

I think winter has given me arthritis. I can't fell my extremities anymore. I have constant headaches. (Note: I was headache free the entire week I was in south Florida. I am 100% allergic to winter.)

I don't LIKE the snow.
I don't LIKE the minus 30 and minus 40 temperatures.
I don't LIKE how dirty all the cars look.
I don't LIKE the daily frostbite warnings.
I don't CARE that I live in Canada (so suck it up, buttercup.)

No, you guys. I can't just pick up and move to Florida, unless I win the lottery and convince my entire family to move with me. So since I'm allowed to practice free speech, let me say this:


The cold starts in October.
It gets worse in November.
We put up with it in December, because we're drunk on Christmas.
January is painful, so we go down south.
February is unbearable.
March is no better.
April the snow starts to melt.
May is okay, but not patio weather.
June to August is perfection.
September it starts to change... and
The cold starts again in October.

We don't really have four seasons where I live. We have a very short summer and a never-ending winter. 

Staying active in the winter is annoying. The fact that I have to look like an astronaut to enjoy any sort of outdoor winter activity is absurd. You know what's cool about summer? Shorts, t-shirt, go.

Anyway, I'm happy Canada is doing so well in the Olympics. We all deserve these medals just for surviving.

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