Doomsday

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane...

It's the end of the world as we know it,
It's the end of the world as we know it,
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

So apparently the end of the world is near.

And here I was, naivly thinking we had at least until 2012. Well, turns out the ancient Mayans weren't as smart as we thought. Doomsday is, in fact, upon us, one year earlier than expected.

Why do I know this? Because BIRDS ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY AND DYING. All I can think about is the The Birds by Alfred Hitchcock. I gotta say, I'm a little spooked.

As if that's not enough, FISH ARE DYING IN RIVERS.

Next up? Be prepared for a massive earthquake. Apparently, that's the 'next step' to the world coming to an end.

A few days ago, Arkansas was in the news. Even on CNN! Clearly, the fact that Arkansas was in the news was an indication that something was not right with the world. Just kidding. Anyway, as you all know by now, a really strange phenomenon happened. Thousands of fish washed up dead on the banks of the Arkansas River. As many as 100,000 fish died.

Then, in an eerie turn of events, on New Year's Eve no less, only 100 miles away from fish disaster 2010 - thousands of birds - THOUSANDS - just dropped from the sky, DEAD.

If that's not enough to freak you out, over 500 birds were found dead on the side of a road in Louisiana.

And now? Dead birds in Sweden, too.

Officials are saying the fish died from some terrible disease, but what is even stranger is that some of the birds apparently died from trauma, and reports say that the "birds hit something very hard and had hemorrhages." What exactly did 100,000 birds flying in the sky hit?

An invisible UFO, that's what.

Of course conspiracy theories are circulating now, and not surprising, some people are saying the deaths happened because of secret government testing.

Since I trust CNN for the latest breaking news, and since I trust Anderson Cooper even more, I was a bit confused when he brought a Christian expert on to talk about this mysterious turn of events. Who was this expert, you ask? MIKE SEAVER.


You might know him as born-again Christian Kirk Cameron, too. What did our 'expert' have to say about this disasater? "It's silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of end-times theory..." Thanks, Mike! I'm not frightened at all anymore.

Wait, though. He went on to say: "Life is short. And I need to be ready whenever it is that God decides to end my life here on earth."

Okay, now we're talking.

So let's say, hypothetically speaking, the Mayans and Mike, or Kirk, whichever you prefer, are right, and we have limited time left here on earth. We need to ready ourselves! And quickly!

Apocalypse Now?

If the world is really coming to an end, then I have to make some serious life changes.

My list of things to do NOW if end-times are here:

1. Eat more McDonalds.
2. Have pizza for dinner every night.
3. Lots of sex.
4. Start smoking again.
5. Drink more alcohol, while listening to The End by The Doors.
6. Max out my credit cards in Neiman Marcus.
7. Do something totally insane like sky diving.
8. Hit more concrete posts with my car.
9. Tell off every single person that pisses me off.
10. Move to a beautiful island in Greece for the last 52 weeks.
11. Travel extensively with my family and friends.
12. Get a refill on my Ativan.

Okay. There's got to be more fun that that to be had, right? I mean, these are things I do now, more or less! Honestly, though? Thinking about the end of the world, or just the univerise in general, completely creeps me out. I think I'll just stay home, get into my big bed with my kids, and hug them tight. Or, just go on living like I am now, knowing that none of this is really true.

What would you do if you knew the end of the world was near?