Mystic Mess

I went tanning tonight. But because of a recent scare I avoided the regular tanning beds, instead, giving Mystic Tan a try.

"How hard can it be," I thought to myself, "Jessica Simpson does it."

It takes a total of 60 seconds, and then... boom... just like that, I'll have a nice golden colour, just in time for the weekend.

"Hi," I said to the girl behind the counter. "I'd here for a Mystic Tan."

"Have you shaved and exfoliated today?" she asked me, with a serious look in her eyes.

"Yes." I replied, nodding.

"Are you wearing any perfume or moisturizer, any make-up?"

"A little." I answered, truthfully.

"You'll have to take it off. Here is an exfoliating wipe. Also, you are not allowed to sweat for 12 hours after you get the Mystic Tan. And no exercise or physical activity. Oh, and you can't shower for 24 hours." she said, as she walked me into the dark room at the back of the really nice tanning studio I was so used to.

Uh-oh... what was I getting myself into?

Once inside the room, she instructed me to take off all my jewellery, and to apply a gel to my hands and feet. Then she told me which towel to use to dry off afterwards, and how to do it. And then she showed me the towel I had to use to wipe off the gel from my hands and feet, and which towel to use to pat my face dry.

Finally, she showed me the two positions I had to stand in to get an even tan, front and back. One was called the Egyptian, and the other was called the Freeze position. Yes, I'm serious.

I was more stressed than university finals. Would I remember all those instructions? (Doubtful.)

The actual process, once you step inside the booth, lasts 60 seconds: 30 seconds spraying your front, 30 seconds spraying your back. You have to remember to turn around half way through, which isn't too hard, because the spray momentarily stops.


Once I pressed that green button... I started freaking out. First of all, this is no relaxing tanning experience like I was accustomed to - you know, lying down, feeling all warm, listening to music, drifting off to sleep until the lights go off, waking you up... no, no, no... this was... stressful. And SO loud. It sounded like a jet airplane taking off and the spray... just awful!

Of course, I forgot to take a deep breath, meaning that at some point, I was going to have to breathe. Only thing was, um, there was non-stop stinky chemical tanning spray being 'misted' ALL over me, so when I opened my mouth, gasping for air, I inhaled all that horrific tasting tanning spray. Again and again, I kept swallowing this disgusting spray.

Right away, I was convinced I would die. All this because I wanted to avoid skin cancer! What kind of sick joke was this? I could see the headlines in the paper the next day:

Silly local girl dies from inhaling too much Mystic Tan spray

"And she was doing this to avoid the harmful UV lights of the regular tanning beds..."

Anyway. I left the room before the spray even stopped, forgetting that I was told to wipe my legs first. Great, I thought to myself, now I have even screwed up the actual tan.

I had a moment of mommy guilt, too, because my poor children would have to one day learn their mother died from tanning. A stupid, selfish way to go, if you ask me. And it wasn't even fun! That was the worst part.

So now, as I watch my skin get darker, (so far, so good...) I have to worry that at the wedding I'm attending this weekend, I'll be glow-in-the-dark on the dance floor!

Please, pray for me. I don't want to be glowing.

Also? I'm never doing the Mystic Tan again. Ever.
Edited to add: UPDATE! Okay, after this... I have to say... my tan is FABUOUS! And I love it! And... knowing what I know now, I would do it again. Making sure, of course, to take a big breath first!
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Krystyn said...

Oh, L, that is too funny. I mean, of course, pending your tan works out.

I did it one time, too. It smells like baby throw up to me. And, you can't shower! But, I was really super tan and did look pretty dang good!

Here's hoping the tan works out.

Shannon @ AnchorMommy said...

I feel bad laughing at your misery -- because seriously, that sounds awful -- but OMG that's really funny! The "silly girl" headline cracks me up.

I've got my fingers crossed that you don't start glowing by the weekend...

Alice said...

Ohh! Do let us know how it turns out, please!

Anonymous said...

wait? what color did you choose? I go to some pretentious knock off of Mystic and use a color called summer lovin'. You certainly wont glow in the dark! And if you did? You'd still have the hottest hair at the wedding!

The Crazy Baby Mama said...

haaaaa... "how hard could it be? jessica simpson does it." oh, you are hilarious :) loved this post.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

hahahah :-D this was hilarious babe - and I have to admit, it reminded me a bit of that episode of Friends when Ross gets a spray tan ;-)

MamaJoss said...

How does it look today?...we need photos here LOL - you poor thing. Yeah I'm pasty white and have just submitted to, I'm sure you look golden and gorgeous ;) I DO have skin cancer, so I'm with you on avoiding the traditional booths. Have fun at the wedding!!! Oh and Happy Mother's day!!! xo

Julie Harrison said...

I've always been curious about this too! (especially, you know, cuz Jessica Simpson does it!)

I'm chuckling at your funny tale, tho. I really hope the tan turns out nice. Let us know, k?!

CaraBee said...

I've thought about doing the spray tan but was always too chicken. My feeble attempts at self-tanning at home have been disastrous. Streaky, orange messes. I guess I'm doomed to pasty whiteness.

BeachMama said...

oh my goodness that is hilarious Loukia! My sister does it all the time, but all I think of is the episode of Friends where Ross gets sprayed too many times on one side. That would totally happen to me.

joely said...

I just watched Old Dogs with my kids yesterday and there is a scene which Robin Williams gets a Mystic Tan. I swear, he is really funny, but your blog story was even funnier. Very well written, I am still laughing.

Carrie said...

LOL, that is so funny. I did the air brush tan a few times. Takes longer and you have a complete STRANGER seeing you naked but it doesn't sound NEARLY as stressful!!

Pictures pictures!! We need to see if this tan is worth it. Find a before pic and do an after :)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Love it! Now? I need to see pics!!

ModernMom said...

Bwhahaha I have to admit I am a girl who used to indulge in the lovely warm tanning beds. It was like therapy! (I think) I felt so good when I left. Tanned, relaxed, zen. I've been afraid to try the Mystic Tan for fear I pull a Ross on Friends? U know. End up like an 8 in the front and a 2 in the back. lol

Burgh Baby said...

I'm willing to bet money you do so do it again. Just watch. Ha!

Jessica said...

I had almost the EXACT same experience. The machine scared the shit out of me! And I was given even less instruction on how to clean off which body parts, etc. I ended up in Florida with blotchy, orange feet and hands. It sucked.

I have a friend who got trained in hand-spraying tans and she swears by it. It's more expensive, but it's flawless. I'm pretty sure that if Jessica Simpson gets a spray tan, that's the kind she gets.

So before you jump back under the UV, find a spray-tanner PERSON to hook you up ;)

T Rex Mom said...

Wow! What an experience. I've never heard of such a thing. Thanks for the heads up - I will certainly avoid it!

Guess I won't be asking for this for Mother's Day!

Nikosmommy said...

Been there. Check out this post I did in Jan that was dedicated to my spray tan experience....but mine was applied by an actual person.
OH. THE. HUMANITY. never again.

Jenn@ The Crazies said...

Am dying to know how its working out for you... I really want to try it but am scared of the coloring...

LZ @ My Messy Paradise said...

I do NOT think those booths are easy! I've tried a couple times and always end up streaky. With gross palms!
Like a few others, this remind me of my all-time favorite Friends episode. "I'm an 8!!" Ross gets sprayed 4 times on his front and none on his back. Classic! said...

Oh my goodness that is hilarious. I have never tried it, but now I am scared!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad it worked out for you. I was not so lucky with a spray tan. I ended up sort of orangey and blotchy. Definitely not trying it again.

Back to the tanning beds for me!

Anonymous said...

The whole paying to tan idea is nuts.

I mean, I get it, we all think a tan looks good, but what the heck is in that spray, exactly? Can it be worse than the miniscule chance of skin cancer?

Lady Mama said...

Oh my God that sounds horrific! (Very funny though!) Are you seriously going to go back for more!?

Pres. Kathy said...

I have always wanted to try it, but have been too scared! Hope you have a great mother's day!

Lainey-Paney said...

Yes, I too thought I might die in the Mystic Tan machine.
And---the smell.
I smeelllllleeed like that crap for HOURS later. It was gross.