Most people who read my blog know a few thing about me - I love my family more than anything. I am addicted to shopping. I have a love/hate relationship with carbs. And I can't say no to my children.
Yes, I have a problem with discipline. It's not that I don't say the word no. I say 'no' all the time. Every day, in fact. My children know that word well. They are just not sure what to do with it.
And I'm not sure either, to be honest.
How many times do I say no before giving up? About two times. Which lasts a total of five seconds.
Typical situation? I see my 2 year old grab another piece of chocolate to eat.
I say: "Dimitry, no more chocolate. You already had enough today. Give that to mommy."
His big bright eyes look up at me. He smiles.
"No more chocolate. I mean it!" I say, in a firm 'I mean it' tone.
Smile. Then the pitter-patter of little feet, walking away from me.
I sigh. And empty the dishwasher.
I can't lay down the law in my house. I am not the boss. I am ruled by a 4 year old and a 2 year old.
Luckily, my children do listen to my husband. And I now find myself in the position of saying: "If you two don't stop fighting, I'm calling daddy!" Because they won't listen to me! In all fairness, yes, sometimes, they do listen to me. And for the most part, they are well behaved children. But kids will be kids, right?
I give in too easily, I know. I can't handle seeing them upset, or crying, or throwing a temper tantrum.
Especially in public. Good God. That is embarrassing, isn't it? I'm sure you've all been there - trying to pick up you crying toddler, who has perfected arching his back so it makes lifting him nearly impossible - and the tears! The drama! How can I deal with that calmly? I can't.
If my toddler wants another book, I will buy him another book. I know this is a bad habit, and one I must try to change. But it's really hard for me to say no. Mostly because I hate seeing my children upset. And because it is easier to take the easy way out in situations like that.
Sometimes, though, a child just wants to play, or do something that you know will only equal more work for you later on. This is when I think saying 'no' is not fair to the child. For instance, if my child wants to play in the kitchen sink, 'washing' dishes - it means I have to stand beside him, supervising. I will always say 'yes' because it brings my child pleasure. I think sometimes saying 'no' is also the easy way out for the parent.
Of course, each situation and each child is different - and no one method of parenting is 'perfect'. I understand that I need to be more firm and set more rules for my children. For their benefit, and for my own.
What are your tricks - how do you say 'no' to your children?
Yes, I have a problem with discipline. It's not that I don't say the word no. I say 'no' all the time. Every day, in fact. My children know that word well. They are just not sure what to do with it.
And I'm not sure either, to be honest.
How many times do I say no before giving up? About two times. Which lasts a total of five seconds.
Typical situation? I see my 2 year old grab another piece of chocolate to eat.
I say: "Dimitry, no more chocolate. You already had enough today. Give that to mommy."
His big bright eyes look up at me. He smiles.
"No more chocolate. I mean it!" I say, in a firm 'I mean it' tone.
Smile. Then the pitter-patter of little feet, walking away from me.
I sigh. And empty the dishwasher.
I can't lay down the law in my house. I am not the boss. I am ruled by a 4 year old and a 2 year old.
Luckily, my children do listen to my husband. And I now find myself in the position of saying: "If you two don't stop fighting, I'm calling daddy!" Because they won't listen to me! In all fairness, yes, sometimes, they do listen to me. And for the most part, they are well behaved children. But kids will be kids, right?
I give in too easily, I know. I can't handle seeing them upset, or crying, or throwing a temper tantrum.
Especially in public. Good God. That is embarrassing, isn't it? I'm sure you've all been there - trying to pick up you crying toddler, who has perfected arching his back so it makes lifting him nearly impossible - and the tears! The drama! How can I deal with that calmly? I can't.
If my toddler wants another book, I will buy him another book. I know this is a bad habit, and one I must try to change. But it's really hard for me to say no. Mostly because I hate seeing my children upset. And because it is easier to take the easy way out in situations like that.
Sometimes, though, a child just wants to play, or do something that you know will only equal more work for you later on. This is when I think saying 'no' is not fair to the child. For instance, if my child wants to play in the kitchen sink, 'washing' dishes - it means I have to stand beside him, supervising. I will always say 'yes' because it brings my child pleasure. I think sometimes saying 'no' is also the easy way out for the parent.
Of course, each situation and each child is different - and no one method of parenting is 'perfect'. I understand that I need to be more firm and set more rules for my children. For their benefit, and for my own.
What are your tricks - how do you say 'no' to your children?
Comments
(My husband is the one who can't say no in our house and HOOBOY does he get played like a violin!)
Overall though, I think saying no and sticking to it is important to do from time to time. I want my boy to know no means no. It's tough though -- he's nothing if not persistent!
And, seriously, I teach high school kids who I'm certain have never heard the word "no" and don't know what to do with it (even this morning, I had to have a talk with a 17 year old about the word "no.").
I understand wanting to have fun and wanting them to have joy in their lives, but I certainly wish my students knew what it meant to hear the word "no." Because, I don't back down and no matter how many times they ask, my answer will still be the same.
So, I guess my answer is, you have to decide where the boundary is, and stick to it. Kids crave discipline and somebody to show them where that line is..otherwise, I don't know if they learn it.
That being said, when faced with a feisty little on ready for a fight, lol, I do pick my battles!
Is it really that important to me if we leave the park right now or can they stay another 5. They usually get the other 5. Can she wear the same sweater for the third day in a row. Um NO. Foot down. Mama wins.
I guess what I'm saying is I pick and choose when I need to stick to my guns, but no usually means no around here.
Kids will push and push and push. Its up to us to push back.
As you know, I'm a big fan of following through - I'd suggest just not saying no in the first place if you're not going to follow through.
But can you imagine what a madhouse I lived in with six kids if I let them all run the show? LOL!
So saying yes isn't always a bad thing!
If your no doesn't carry weight, eventually it is going to bite you HARD in the ass. But it's not the word that counts, it's what you DO.
These days, when Hubs says no to Jake and he comes running to me, I say, "Didn't your Dad just say no to you? Don't bother. Not happening."
Some kids are easy, some need real limits and structure. Our kid is one of them.
Pick your battles. Some stuff really, honestly isn't worth the fight and we may be saying no out of our own frustrations.
I agree with Julie - follow through. On days where I cave, I regret it because the bad behaviour starts up again etc. and on other days, when it's 9 am and I've said no to everything and everything, I feel the day will be lost ;)
Start small. It's easy to say no to things like dessert before supper etc. so start with those things that are easy to stick with.
Some days will be easier than others, some days will be a complete fail. We all live it ;)
I'll warn you though...when you start to lay down the law, there will be many tantrums!
The one thing I started, though, is that I have 2 bins in my pantry - one that says "SNACKS" with healthy snacks in it, and another that says "TREATS" with sugary, once-or-maybe-twice a day treats in it. They are allowed to go in a take a snack whenever they'd like, but they have to ask to take a treat, and it can only be after a meal. So far, its working.
Figure out what rules are really important to you, and don't bend. I also give my kids a warning: "If you don't pick up your toy right now, you will not play with it tomorrow." Warning them of the consequence helps me stay focused so I don't just start yelling loose 'no's' or demands that aren't being followed.
Good Luck!
You CAN do it, it's just going to be very hard at first and I think that is part of the reason why you haven't started to. I could be way off base...
You know what's right for your boys and I think you know that it would be best if you did start setting more boundaries.
I know you are an extremely loving Mom but yes, NO is definitely an essential word for them to learn! In this case it's kinda "tough love" ;) Good luck my friend!
My rule of thumb - if you're going to give in, give in early. Otherwise stick to your NO!